Sunday, 7 October 2012

Shit Rolls Downhill: A Thanksgiving Saga

I'm sure you are familiar with the expression 'Shit rolls downhill.' If not, it refers to one of two things.
1. First it can mean passing your bad day onto the next person you meet. The boss gets mad at you, you yell at your assistant, and she goes home and yells at her husband ... it just keeps going.
2. It can refer to bad things escalating out of control. One off thing happens, then another and another and another.
That's how my day started.  Don’t you just love a day that starts out a little off and gets worse?

This weekend is Thanksgiving here in Canada, and that means family get togethers and lots of fun and bickering. I love it.  My daughters (The Spawn) are grown up and moved out and starting families. This is means that they have lives of their own. In keeping with this, we have chosen to celebrate Thanksgiving on Saturday this year to allow them time to spend with their new, extended families. We are also celebrating my hubby and one son-in-laws birthdays. Good times!

So, I’m all pumped and ready and raring to go. The cunning plan was to get up early get some writing done and then clean and cook. I’ll just begin by saying … epic fail on that.

I slept in and when I woke up, I lay there thinking that there was something I was supposed to do; but for the life of me I couldn’t remember what it was. DH joined me in my wee little bed and we talked a bit before he reminded me that I had company to prepare for. I exploded out of bed like somebody shot a load of buck-shot in my ass.

I hurried downstairs to make coffee, proceeded to dump wet coffee grounds beside the garbage, (onto the floor I scrubbed yesterday). The coffee tin was empty and I had to find a fresh can and I couldn’t get the lid off it. Much struggling ensued and I only spilled a few fresh grounds on the floor. Okay. Coffee is brewing, it’s all good now. It should be noted that I am almost non-functional without my morning coffee.

I hear the shower shut off. Hubby is finished, so I open the fridge to get some cream for his coffee. Splat. Yup, you guessed it, I dropped the open cream on the floor. Fortunately only a little bit spilled and it was easy to wipe up. So now a little coffee and some writing. Surprisingly, that goes well. Mission accomplished. J

I decide I had best clean the bathrooms before I shower and dress. I get off my butt (still in my cozy red flannel night-shirt). I slip on a big ole barbeque apron to keep my jammies clean and head into the bathroom.  I spray the toilet inside and out with cleaner and let it work while I clean the counter and mirror. I turn around and bend over to get the toilet bush and sploooooooosh. My cell phone falls out of my pocket into the bowl. Dang, golly gee whiz and gosh! F**K!

Really? L

Right into the filthy toilet chalk full of toxic cleaner. I so didn’t need this! Sigh! I scoop it out and rinse it off. Yes, I rinsed it…figured it was likely buggered already, so a little water to wash off the cleaner and the ick can’t possibly hurt anything. So now it’s in a bag of rice to dry off. Stupid phone is only a couple months old too. Sigh.

Moving on … housework complete. Time to put the turkey in the oven. First we make the stuffing. I open the crisper to be greeted by one completely green, furry and somewhat liquid onion. Thank god there were also a couple of good ones. Shit, I forgot to buy celery. There is no way in hell I am going to the grocery store on the Saturday before Thanksgiving. A little extra onion and some celery salt in the stuffing will have to do. I slap some butter in the pan to melt and drop the rest of the square of nice soft, squishy butter open side down on the floor. Crap. What a mess to clean up. It is amazing how far butter will spread and how long it takes to clean it up; and how much help the cats are.

Next, open the turkey and clean it out so that I can put the stuffing in it before it goes into the oven. WARNING! Raw turkeys are wet and slippery. If you lose your grip, they fly out of your hands; skid across the counter and onto the floor. Did I mention that I had just scrubbed? Ever tried to chase a raw turkey across the floor? It’s kind of curling meets greased calf wrestling. Okay, turkey retrieved and well cleaned. Stuffed and in the oven.

Out come the mop and pail and half a gallon of bleach. Does my house smell of the wonderful aroma of roasting turkey? Hell no, it smells like some jackass went crazy with a jug of bleach.

Is noon too early to start sucking back Scotch? It IS a holiday.

Things went better from here … the family showed up. We had a great dinner and enjoyed each other’s company with surprisingly few arguments. All in all, a pretty damned good day. If nothing else it was entertaining. The only thing missing was a few good friends, old and new.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope you have a fabulous weekend with the people you care about. If you can't be with them, hold them in your heart. (I know I am.)

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